is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
