Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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