You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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