My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
