so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
