Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
