I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
