Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
