There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
