Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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