I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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