Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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