I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
