Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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