I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
