I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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