There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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