You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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