the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
