you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
