I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
