her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
