Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
