just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
