Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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