when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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