I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
