How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
