I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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