made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
