you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
