Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Everclear isn't food dammit
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
