you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
