My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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