the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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