i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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