I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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