I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
