4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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