Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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