just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
