she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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