Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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