Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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