i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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