dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
