I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Can I color on your dick again?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My breasts were aching with rage.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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