I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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