you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
