I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
