Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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